Better Conversations

The author’s new book promotes self-coaching habits for connecting more effectively with others in schools

Conversations stand at the heart of most of the work in schools. When conversations are effective, teaching is more powerful, coaching has more impact and evaluation conversations are more empowering. The quality of our schools is directly related to the quality of the conversations that take place within them.

Conversations also stand at the heart of our lives outside of school. Most of the joy and most of the pain we experience in our lives is directly related to how we communicate. It is no exaggeration to say that the way we interact with others may be the single most important factor in how effective we are in schools and how fulfilled and happy we are in our personal lives.

Recognizing the primacy of communication, my colleagues and I at the Impact Research Lab in Lawrence, Kan., partnered with approximately 200 people from seven countries in a project designed to improve their communication skills. We called this the Global Study of Better Conversations. We described what we learned about conversation in a 2016 book, Better Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected. For our project, we asked research volunteers from around the world to film themselves in conversation and then reflect, plan and monitor how they communicated until they acted in ways that were consistent with their beliefs.

Connecting Emotionally

We called it the Better Conversations project for two reasons. First, we wanted to see if people really could get better at communicating. Second, we trusted that when people adopted the habits and beliefs we described, they would have conversations that actually helped them become better — conversations that prompted learning, affirmation and connection.

Ben Collins, an assistant principal at Maine West High School in Des Plaines, Ill., was one of the project volunteers. Collins recognized that to be the kind of leader he wanted to be, he had to be an effective communicator. Earlier this year, he worked on improving his communication skills by implementing some of the Better Conversations practices and focused on one habit in-particular — improving emotional connections.

To get better at connecting with other people, Collins read our summary of John Gottman’s psychological research on emotional connection in The Relationship Cure, then coached himself by (a) systematically observing how others built emotional connections, (b) videotaping his own conversations to assess how he built or damaged emotional connections, (c) implementing specific actions to increase the emotional connection he established with others and (d) monitoring his progress until he was pleased with the outcomes of his communication.

Collins discovered that making emotional connections was important for his professional and personal life. “I have learned to be a kinder, more attentive person through the process, and it never would have happened if I hadn’t coached myself,” he says.

In the coaching log he kept for our project, Collins wrote: “Before self-coaching, I wouldn’t have thought as much about connecting with other people. Now I’m better at capitalizing on opportunities to connect. Too often in the past I used to let moments pass, and that has probably affected my relationships even more than I know. Today I have a type of radar out for those times where I can share a connection with someone, and that has made me much more present in my professional and personal life.”

Most volunteers had experiences similar to Collins. Deb Bidulka, a learning support facilitator for Prairie Spirit School Division 206 in Warman, Saskatchewan, found when she practiced listening with empathy to an angry student, she was able to diffuse his anger and learn important information about his life that helped her teach him more effectively.

When Emily Manning, an instructional coach in Denton, Texas, watched herself on video and analyzed her questioning, she quickly realized she asked “too many questions that are closed or that are judgments in disguise.” Manning says she became a better coach by learning “to scale back” and asking questions that allowed teachers to really reflect on their lessons.

Whether they were district leaders, principals, coaches or teachers, the volunteers in the Better Conversations project reported they were more effective in their roles after practicing the new habits. Instructional coach Nicole Patton, who works in the Heartland Area Education Agency in Johnston, Iowa, described how the habits improved her professional and her personal life.

“I think the biggest success I have encountered while working on dialogue is the joy I have found in having great dialogue with another person,” Patton says. “Taking a step out of my selfishness in communicating and truly focusing on being humble, suspending the assumption that my way was the right way and genuinely listening to the person made the dialogue go smoothly, and I wasn’t thinking of the next thing I was going to say as I was listening. I really felt like I built trust approaching the dialogue in this way.”

New Habits

Each of the Better Conversations challenge participants learned and adopted conversation habits such as demonstrating empathy, listening, re-directing toxic conversations or building trust. Like Collins, the educators (a) reflected on their own habits by recording a conversation with a smartphone and then analyzing it systematically with a reflection form; (b) deepened their understanding of a particular communication habit by using a reflection form to observe how others around them do or do not implement the habit; and (c) made plans to implement the habit in many important real-life conversations.

Perhaps the most encouraging finding from our challenge was that people’s comments on the reflection forms they shared with us (we reviewed more than 1,000) showed they actually did change personally and professionally.

This finding, that people can improve their communication skills, is of great consequence. Most people recognize the value of effective communication, and they buy millions of books, line up for hours of training, take online courses and work with coaches all with the goal of improving the way they listen, connect, negotiate and live. Too often, though, learning about communication does not change what people do.

One reason Better Conversations works is that it prompts users to videotape their conversations and reflect on what they saw. The smartphones in our pockets are powerful tools for self-improvement.

Collins found video to be essential for his own learning as a school leader. “I think you are in the worst position possible to make any judgments about yourself until you see yourself from the different perspective video offers,” he says. “Video helped me be more aware of myself and others and how we connect.”

Two-Way Sharing

Better Conversations practices also succeed because changing habits, what people do, was only part of the learning. This approach to communication also prompted people to reflect deeply on what they believe about communication and human interaction. This is important because to communicate authentically we need to know what we believe, and then we have to act in a way that is consistent with those beliefs. The journey toward having better conversations, therefore, is actually a journey toward authenticity. Beliefs and habits both matter.

The set of beliefs we proposed all center around the foundational idea that other people matter, that they should be seen and heard. When we adopt the Better Conversations approach, we work from the assumption that conversation should be a two-way sharing that is beneficial to everyone rather than a one-way top-down model of communication that often breeds resentment and hostility.

The Better Conversation Beliefs

• I see others as equal partners in conversations.
• I believe people should have a lot of autonomy.
• I want to hear what others have to say.
• I don’t judge my conversation partners.
• Conversation should be back and forth.
• Conversation should be life-giving.
  

The Better Conversations initiative guides people to learn and authentically adopt new habits. This learning can be done alone, with a partner, with a team or across an entire school or district. When people use their smartphones to improve the way they communicate, their learning is powerful and can lead to real change.

Instructional coach Michelle Murray wrote on her reflection form that the insight she gained by watching herself on video and reflecting on how she interacted “felt like a gift I gave myself. I actually savored the time and experience of answering questions and considering my strengths as well as areas in which I can grow.”

All schools seek better results, but their efforts will fail if the adults working in those schools aren’t able to talk about them in respectful, productive ways. Our schools are only as good as the conversations occurring in them.